Learning To Express Myself
Wish I didn’t know
Me so intimately.
Maybe my disease
Deceives and sees dreams
And not memories.
It seems easier
Perceiving no one
Needing to hear from me;
Just a ghost you see.
Meaning less eases
My anxiety;
Hurts less to be
Feeling so empty
Emotionally.
Feel like a bee
Froze mid-sting
Within me.
Steeped my being
In disease she secreted
And is secretly feeding
On what I believed in,
Now depleting the
Reason I even breathe in.
I’m sick of the feeling
Of sinning willingly
And living deeply empty.
Holding my head in my hands for two years.
Fooled me so often, don’t know him in mirrors.
He’s crude and forgotten and fattened with fear.
Surely, I’m better than what I see here.
Is there a place where disgrace is best faced?
Chased family and friends in case they embrace
Me, erasing escaping in the first place just tames.
See what sins begin spilling willingly,
When filling with the chilling possibility,
that I’m admitting living miserably.
Killing more fitting than forgiving me.
When I hit rock bottom last summer,
So somber and rotten, I’d sought
Out a lover. Forgotten to
call her, then split early autumn.
By winter, my bitterness festers
and lingers, depresses and hinders
Interest in the simplest assistance
Requested. Defeated, why plead with the
healers that treat it. Discreetly
retreat as the next person needs it.
I look as though I stand
For something respectable.
Faking while shaking hands
Is a skin and digestible.
Mistaking my statements
For trading identical
chemical cadences.
You’re a forgettable
business arrangement
Displayed so engagement
Is witnessed first hand!
Not that you see your
Own head in the sand.
Why do I always pick
Sides when beside them
Despite that I’m sick
and in need of confiding?
They always seemed mean
When I needed it least.
Looked at my face and seen
All my grief. I’m not keen
On repeating displeasing
Relief to pay for an hour that
Doesn’t come cheap.
I feel I’ve been waiting for numbers
I see, like 11:11 or 3:14,
To speak and to steal me from slumbers
Unseen. Please dreamy beings just beam
Me aboard to absorb all the crumbs
You ignored on the floors, ’til I flee
Mortal coils; reborn unencumbered!
But my timing divining aligns
With designs of the mind set on finding
Some meaning in grinding through life’s
Ever winding, obscene little staircase.
Ever stare into someone’s eyes,
And know they are better? Did you cry
Inside a little, brittle guy
Disguised in mettle? Shame I’ve
Settled, held in stasis, while my
Place is being erased as inside
My face I replace disgrace with lies
Of grace I lost, in case he spies
My wasted life I thought was fine…
I like to walk around at night.
Feels right. Might be that dark is lighter
On my soul, despite my fighting
Eyes beholding shadows forming;
Warnings scold my peaceful roaming.
Delight advising cries inside me
Insightful lies to smite my whining.
Find it’s time to breathe in deeply.
Feel me melt into existence.
Below my feet, I ground resistance
Free by feeling what’s persistant;
Tears absolving time and distance.
I write ’cause pain is coming out.
Ripe with claws it flays my heart,
Incites my flaws, displays my doubt,
And spites me ’til I fall apart.
Delighted by what pleases now,
I fight it writing rhyming down.
And it’s subsiding even now
Binding words and heart, I’m finding
More I’m minding verbs and timing
I’m sliding into peace somehow.
I made you a promise once,
Dime and a nickel ago.
To do the best to honor us.
Time can be so fickle though.
Find it rarely trickles slow.
Rewind all my excuses so,
Reminding who I used to know
Designs me in a better way.
Describe your heart with words I say
Defined by what I miss today.
Refined by everything you pray.
akennific 